The ugly duckling

Her time ticking,
While he just started his life.
They born in a different time zone,
but their heart knot tight.

she has no time to wait,
while he just not ready for everything.
they fight in every situation,
but they slept together after the fight.

She wants it fast,
but he just cants walk faster.
they frustrated, they walk away.  

She Remove.

Lucy,

She started again,
With new hope and new dream,

After release from rehab, she changes her identity.
Change her name, change her look, remove to another country.
And hopefully, she can change her life story too.

She want to finish her school,
Get a good job,
get a new family.

A family that she dreams off,
every single day.

Lucy miss her mother, Mrs. Amanda.
bubble cloud popup from her head,
recall all memories that they create together.
sweet later it changes to pain.

Plup plup plup
the bubble exploded.
she shakes her head. Now
She arrive at Shibuya Station


Japan is her new home now! 

To The People I Walked Away From, I Apologize by Angelo Caerlang

When I find myself stuck in the wrong story, I still try to make things work with the people I’m surrounded with. I still try to close the gap and break the walls that separate me from them. I still try to patch the holes in our broken relationships.

But sometimes, I reach a point when I grow tired of trying to seal what’s broken. I grow tired of being frustrated, angry, and upset.

When things get out of control, the easiest alternative I see is to leave and walk away. Because I don’t see the point in repairing a bond that is slowly sinking. I don’t see the reason to stay when every day my feelings are getting hurt. I don’t see why I should not quit, and start somewhere else.

In the process of walking away, I tend to hurt people, too. I act like their feelings don’t matter to me. I act like they deserve to be in pain as well. I act like all along I am the victim, and everyone else is the villain.

Eventually I realize I’m wrong, and selfish. And I apologize.

I apologize to everyone I left behind. I apologize to everyone I offended, and wounded.

I am sorry for saying what was on my mind without considering whether my argument would make someone go home with a swelling heart. I am sorry for letting down everyone who believed in my potentials. I am sorry that I still chose to leave, even though a lot of people were rooting for me to stay.

I have learned that the choices we make in our lives bring us exactly to where we are right now. I have learned that whether we make the right decision or the bad one, in the end, it teaches us to become stronger and wiser.

I have learned that time is always our number one best friend. Time helps us to heal all our wounds. Time allows us to grow in our own ways.

I realize now that I can’t completely move forward in my life if I still hang on to the bitterness that I carried from my past.

And so I have forgiven everyone I walked away from. I have forgiven myself. And I hope that you have forgiven me, too.  

I hope that one day we can all come up to the conclusion that the direction everyone was expecting me to take was different from what I wanted for myself. I hope that one day, when we all look back, we remember each other for all the great times we shared, rather than the horrible ones. I hope that one day our paths will intersect, and by then I wish that we can be friends.

I have wholeheartedly accepted the place and situation that I am in right now. Slowly by slowly, I am beginning to bring back my happiness and my confidence. Slowly by slowly, my life is starting to unfold, and bring me closer to where my dreams want me to be.

I have learned to swallow my pride and admit that I am wrong. Because there is nothing sweeter than living with a light heart that is free from guilt and anger.

There is nothing better than to let go.

I have found the light that leads me to my purpose. I have found the voice that I can use to inspire people. I have found the reason to live a life that I can be proud of.

And by forgiving, I think I can genuinely smile again, starting today. 

Lucy Don't cry~

Lucy, don't cry.

it okay to be different.

it okay`~

I make mistake to,

A lot!

but it doesn't mean that you fail. 

you just try to adjust with your new world.

new environment,

and new friend. 

Yes, i know you don't trust one,

but Lucy, you have to open your heart,

give them chance to prove them self

They did nothing, 

They not Sharon.

Sharon die~

I know it hard,

I was on your position before,

I truly understand what you feel now.

Remember Lucy, we are chosen by God. 

God choose us because we different,

we strong, 

you have to remember that Lucy. 

I will always in your heart.

Never left you behind.

My soulmate~

Sharon's Rotten Heart

Why Lucy don't have friend?

Because she crazy. full stop. no one want to be her friend. 

no, it wrong~

Lucy don't have friend because she don't trust one. 

remember when Sharon stab her back.

remember when Sharon humiliate her in front of everyone.

spread the rumors about her family.

Lucy traumatize.

Sharon is evil.

She look like a very sweet typical young lady.   

So nice, so polite but have a rotten heart. 

She is totally fake, 

Friend with benefit.

She is passenger,

She want everything that Lucy have.  

Wait.. now you at Lucy side?

no~

I'm not at Lucy side or any side,

I just hate what Sharon did.

we can't simply use people for own benefit. 

what Sharon did is wrong. 

but what Lucy did is wrong too.

She cant kill people because she fell betrayed.

Growing Up is Killing me

the light so bright,
the music so loud,
the people so crowded.

i seat in the middle of the hall,
wait!
what the fuck i'm doing here?

this feeling is not right.
it stupid.
it huge but empty.

the only thing that pop up from my head
is my stinky pillow and green blanket.
my comfort place to hide from this craziness.

i need my nap time~
going back to wonderland, meet peter pan and stay as child.
Growing up is killing me.

  

Lucy Birthday

Today is Lucy birthday.
Mrs. Robinson prepare cake for her.
Lucy lock herself in her room.
She hate birthday party.
She hate celebration.
She hate everything.

Like a year before Lucy lock her self in the bathroom.
Screaming all day.
but Mrs Robinson don't give up.
She still prepare cake and small party for Lucy.

Mrs Robinson make promise to Lucy's Mother
that she will  prepare party for Lucy every year.
Even she know Lucy never appreciate her hard work.

After Lucy's Mother which is Mrs Amanda died.
Mrs Robinson take responsible to help Peter to take care of Lucy.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Lucy still in her room.
No sign that she will come out.
Mrs Robinson know this will happen
So she prepare Apple pie for Lucy.

Lucy love Apple pie.

Peter

Peter cry so loud,
He try to kill him self several time
but the doctor manage to keep his life.

Peter condition getting worse
He possessed by the devil.
He scream and cry at the same time.

Peter keep mention Lucy name,
over and over again.
He said Lucy wont forgive him,
Lucy keep hunting him everyday since 15 years ago.

"I cant handle it anymore,

sometime die is the best way to escape,

die is the solution for sinner like me.

let me go to hell,

let me go to hell....!!!!!"

Peter repeated that word over and over again
and keep write it on the wall in his cell.

Peter cant accept this torture anymore
He want to die.

Wide Smile

Kids running, wide smile on their faces~
Happy.

Today I run,
Im looking the wide smile on my face too,
but i cant find it.

Where is my Wide Smile?
Where i put??

I try looking my wide smile in the boxes under my bed.
I open the box and i find a book.
The old book that i wrote when i was young.
The book that i get from my 10 year old birthday.

I open the book and i read it.
It hilarious when i try to tell everything inside the book.
I keep read it until the last page of the book.

Suddenly i realize this hand writing was not mine,
Written by someone to me.

Dear Sweetheart, 

       please forgive me, i know when you grow up you will be looking for your wide smile. Im sorry to snatch it from you. Im sorry to making damage on you. 

my regret,

PETER  

People don't get~

 

it easy,
that what people say,
get a life, move on.

Asshole!

It not easy as you think,
it cost half of your live.
Half of your emotion,
half of you.

People don't get,
because they don't feel.

If walk away is easy like you say
I don't need half of me die together
with the damn memories.

I hate to admit but it was.
hey! who are you to judge me?
who are you?
hey i'm asking
who are you?

to be honest,
I don't know either.
im stuck.
I wish I can move forward
and never look back,
but if I did.......

I go for good.


 

Man (Kingson)

That man still attract my attention,
seriously
and I don't know why,

Every time I saw him,
he remind me to someone,
someone that keep playing in mind.
it crazy I know.

It like walking in the dark,
It something,
something that I cant explain.
and I don't know how to explain.

Dear someone,

            I find a guy exactly like you. I know it sound crazy but yeah it is. Maybe I still live in your shadow, the best place to escape. I try my best to move on to build a new kingdom but..... it not easy as I think. It take a lot or energy and hard work. I still work on it.

 

Man

There is a man..
wearing a black suite with a black tie and a black leather shoes.
Short haircut with the thin beard and a killing smile.
wearing a spectacles and black Tissot watch.
Nice scent from Terre D'hermes.

He always holding a book,
and I assume that he like to read.

There are few time he caught me when I secretly peeping his eyes.
Yeah.. his beautiful eyes.
His eyes is the most beautiful creation that I ever see

He just smile when our eyes bump each other.
maybe he think that I'm a nutter
nutter lady who like staring people.

to be continue.........

Dream

I sit at the corner of the café,
Drink a cup of coffee while waiting for someone,
There are emptiness here, somewhere in my chest.

I think im waiting for something to full fill my chest.
Sit alone at the corner while drink coffee dose not change anything.
I think I must do something.
so I get up and leave this place.

I keep walk and walk and walk
until I feel hurt on my chest and my feet.
My heart beat fast.
I think im tired enough to walk to think and to do anything
so I stop at the middle of the highway.

Stop to think, stop to walk, and stop to breath!

I drowning in the cloud of human.
no space no air.

oh.. It just a dream. I still here.

 

Bicara Sialan

Assalammualaikum dan Salam 1 Malaysia.

Aku halalkan bicara sialanmu,

Aku halalkan omogan jahanammu,

Aku fikir kau manusia kerdil tapi aku meleset.

Kau manusia keparat.

Benar aku bodoh,

Benar kau bijak,

Bodoh aku menyanjungimu walau kau ludah dengan bicara sialan.

Bijak kau mengatur langkah, bermain kata indah berselindung disebalik kata-kata 'fisabillilah'

JERIT !!

Aku laung nama kau berkali-kali.

Tapi dalam hati.

Aku tekan dada sekuat-kuat kudrat. 

Aku tahan rindu separuh mati.

Aku lemah, terkulai.

kuyu mata lihat jasad kau terus berjalan.

"tolehlah, walau seminit !!"

rayu aku dalam maya.

tak dengar, kau terus jalan.

Terjelopok aku tepi jalan. 

sedih, pedih tahan rindu.

tak terdaya lagi.

Akhir aku jerit nama TUHAN. 

MALU

...

Malu aku mengemis simpati Tuhan. 

Aku hamba yang selalu lupa pada janji.

"Ya ALLAH, Kuatkan aku Ya ALLAH, Aku tak terdaya lagi ya Allah"

aku menjerit sekuat hati.

mengemis bantuan  dan pelindungan ALLAH.

Mengalir air dari kelopak mata.

Aku betul-betul lemah, terkulai, tak berdaya saat itu.
Sambil menahan malu yang tidak terhingga kepada Tuhan.

4 Bulan da berlalu.

Aku masih senyum, Tarima Kasih Ya Allah.

RZA

Mr. Stranger

Hai Mr. Strange,

We stranger again !

This feeling doesn't harm me !

 I keep smile :) 

Peluru M16

Banyak yang aku nak catatkan tapi akhirnya semua kaku dekat hujaung jari.

Keluh lelah penat.

Toleh kanan toleh kiri. SUNYI!!

Berduyun manusia memenuhi ruang bulat

tapi aku tetap sunyi. 

Aku ketuk-ketuk telinga kanan telinga kiri tapi tetap sunyi.

Aku cuba bisik dekat manusia yang konon rapat denggan jiwa.

tapi aku seolah angin. boleh ditembus. invisible. 

kini suara aku pula mute. BISU!

penat aku menjerit sampai hujung tekak tapi tak ada siapa menoleh.

Tapi aku yakin aku tidak bisu, aku tidak pekak.

Jantung macam ditembak berdas-das peluru M16 

sesak. nafas dihujung garisan.

Aku rindu ruang bulat lama. Aku rindu kisah dongeng lama.
Tapi setiap kali rindu itu datang.

sekali lagi jantung aku ditembak berdas-das peluru M16.

.............................................

ROBOT

" You can't be trusted "

Seorang manusia yang memulakan satu pecaturan. Hebat menghujah manifesto tentang masa depan. Lagak cara cakapnya meyakinkan, aku mangsa sebuah omong kosong ! 

Yakin memulakan sebuah harapan tetapi takut untuk meneruskan. kenapa kau hidup dalam kelam masa lampau. Kenapa aku yang kau heret menjadi puppet, boneka bodoh.

Jahanam!

Muka merah menahan marah. aku cuba luah tapi aku bisu.

Kau robot, manusia kamus yang hidup dengan dunia sempurna kau.

Aku manusia boneka.

kita tiada beza mungkin. 

atau aku hidup dalam kau!

pertama, kedua maaf tak ada yang ketiga! 

AKU SEDANG BERSEDIH WAHAI MANUSIA ROBOT!

Bunga akan layu, Awan tetap biru

Assalammualaikum dan Salam 1 Malaysia.

Apa yang aku percaya?

-          Aku percaya setiap masalah ada penyelesaiannya

-          Aku percaya setiap tindakan ada sebabnya

-          Aku percaya setiap marah ada puncanya

-          Aku percaya setiap soalan ada jawapannya

Dan Aku percaya………

-           Sangat percaya, setiap yang berlaku ada hikmahnya.

“……….. sedih itu pasti, tapi sampai bila, itu aku tidak pasti………..”

Wahai hati, ambillah sebanyak mana masa yang kau mahu. Rawatlah lukamu. Kuatkan akalmu. Kembalilah kepada yang atas. Soalanmu akan terjawab disitu.

Need

I need nothing~

    just a friendly conversation 

    without judgment!